Sunday, May 16, 2010

Saying Goodbye

Whew! What a week! My Dad has left this world and now I feel orphaned.  My Mom is gone and now my Dad is gone.  The two people who were responsible for my being are no longer present in my life.  They both are now just present in my memories.

"PRESENT" Wow it just dawned on me that, not only are they just present in my memories.  God allowed for them to be a Present for me. They have given me not only the building blocks of life, but the building blocks of who I am.

I have really combed the memories of my parents the last few weeks;  gleaning all that I could. It is funny how God allows you to remember specific things your parents have told you at just the right time! Could it be His way of guiding you on the path with which you should take? ... Hmmmm  more thoughts to ponder...

My parents and I had some "rocky" times in our past.

 My Dad missed out on the "IMPRESSIONABLE" years of my life.(3-13); or so I thought.   I have realized in my adult life that my Dad was an awesomely (is that a word) wise man.  My Dad was a listener.  As we would have family visits, with everyone seemingly talking at once to tell the latest story; my Dad was taking it all in.  His eyes would jump from person to person as he listened intently to what they were saying.  He always seem to hear past the words and really "hear" what the heart was saying.  My Dad, because of his listening heart and ears has been so instrumental in shaping me into the woman I have become.  He seemed to know the "real" me when no one else got it.  His advice, although not always taken, was so much about doing the right thing, doing no harm to others while being good to yourself.   William Shakespeare once said" A Father is man who knows his own child"... My Dad knew me as a Father knows his child. I hope my Dad was proud of me.  I was certainly honored to be called his daughter.

My Mom was there during those "IMPRESSIONABLE" years.  My Mom raised me to be a "mini me".  I certainly was a mini her. I was wild,carefree and self sufficient. I took care of me and what was "mine" without much thought of others.  There were those that I loved and cherished along the way who, no matter how I treated them, loved me.  As I grew older, I felt my Mother's love for me was conditional.  As long as I had her approval, I had her love.  As a child it was easy for my Mom to love me, I did what she asked with no questions.  As I grew into teenage-hood I became the self-sufficient person my Mom had taught me to be.  I did not do as she wanted anymore, I did not have her approval for everything I did.  She was disappointed and it showed. I did not become the doctor she wanted me to be, I did not marry the man she wanted for me, I did not have the house she wanted for me.  I did not have the life she wanted me to have and she could not control me anymore! I could do nothing right.............. Until my darling Heather was born!

I saw a side of my Mom that I had forgot existed.  She loved Heather with everything she had!  Heather helped bring out the softer side of my Mom.  I don't know what hurts my Mom had, but Heather helped to heal them in my Mom.

Then came Kristyn!  This continued the healing of my Mom's heart.  She loved Kristyn so much.  Kristyn and her had a bond that seemed unbreakable. My Mom's was the only place Kristyn would stay with overnight without Heather.  Kristyn still does not like to spend the night with others (except Dallion).

Then came little Daniel at 3lb and 15 oz.  He was so tiny and helpless and needed us all (even my Mom).  My Mom finally had a little boy to love and he adored her. She loved spending time with him even though she was beginning to get sick herself

As my Mom's health began to decline more, her mood went along with it.  We began to drift further apart, even Heather, Kristyn and Daniel could not hold us together.

Then there was my Dad through all this.  He was so supportive of me.  He would talk to me for hours on the phone.  Without ever saying anything negative about my Mom, he would encourage me to do all that I could to repair our relationship.  Family was so important to him.  "No matter what they do, they are your family" he would say to me.  "She is your Mom and you must love her no matter what"  He was right , I knew it, but sometimes it was so hard. 

Two years before Mom died, she called to say she needed me.  She was to be  put on a transplant list for her lung condition.  She wanted to know if I would be her support through the process.  Of course I said yes.  We began our great journey to that "mother/daughter" relationship I had always wanted with her.  We mended so many fences and healed so many wounds. We had a great 2 years. I saw the loving woman my Mom was meant to be.  She never went a day without calling me to see how I was.  She never went a day without telling me she loved me. She constantly told me what a great Mom I had become. She even repaired the relationship with Ken. I used to tell people that when the doctors did her lung transplant, God did a heart transplant. (Everything is possible with God!) My Mom became the Mom, I always wanted.  I hope I became the daughter she wanted.

Through all this, my Dad was there for me.  He never missed an opportunity to tell me he loved me and thought I had grown into a great woman and mother.  His words were always welcomed.  He wrote me a letter before I married Ken.  He had so much "fatherly" words to say to Ken and I as we began our life together, but the closing paragraph is what I remember most.  "A Father I was never able to be, but a friend I will always be, I love you, Dad"

I love you Mom and Dad! 

Goodbye for now.  I will see you both later as we all live eternally with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Kicking and Screaming

Have you ever seen a child being dragged by a parent into a doctor's office kicking and screaming, "I don't want to go. Please don't make me go there!"  Most of us at some time or another have seen this scene. Some of us have even lived this seen. But most of us would see ourselves in the parent position taking our child to a place of healing for their own good.

Today I realized that I was the child...  Begging my Heavenly Father to not have to go somewhere."PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO THERE!"

My earthly Father is dying of cancer and I just don't want to go there!  I don't want to say "Good-bye"! I don't want to deal with the flood of emotions that inevitably have to come through this! I don't want to deal with the depression that I can already feel coming on! I don't want to see the people I love hurt and not be able to do anything about it! I don't want to go there AGAIN!


I have been in the mode, if I don't acknowledge it, it won't happen. But that won't keep it from happening.

I feel paralyzed by all that is happening. 

Jo Ann